Thursday, January 21, 2010

Mad (Men) about infertility and the blame game

The things you learn from watching the seedy and gritty, but wonderful Mad Men. I watched an old episode on a flight this week that dealt with one of the couple's challenges (Pete and Trudy) with infertility. You'd think with all the sex those men are having there would be as many pregnant bellies as there are ashtrays and highballs.

Anyway, Pete went and had his sperm counted and had stellar results (plus, he fathered a kid by one of the women in his office, but he didn't know that yet). After hearing his positive prognosis, he strutted around his apartment like a proud peacock, plummage in full. When his wife's face fell, he just said, "Well, at least we know it isn't me."

After his wife broke down, he said he never wanted to talk about it again, and stormed out. The nerve!

This is indicitive of the show's male chauvenistic nature, but it made me think about my own infertility (heck, I could relate a Golden Girl's episode to my infertility. Who needs menapause when they can't conceive anyway? See just did it) and the blame game. Something that no couple should ever play.

My husband, also known as Super Sperm, has a count that is literally off the charts. It's ABOVE average. I can produce almost two dozen eggs when on a follistim cycle, and yet no babies.

Not once, in the more than five years of trying, has either one of us ever blamed the other for our baby-making challenges. In our case, there is clearly something about embryos not wanting to stick in my uterus, and as much as it sucks, I will not blame myself for that. And, neither will Jack Bauer. He has been the most supportive hubby anyone could ever dream of.

So regardless of your lazy ovaries, slow mobility swimmers, or PCOS, don't play the blame game. Unfortunately, for many of us, there is no explanation for our infertility. It's hard to let go of not knowing why it won't work, but is harder if we don't.

11 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. I saw that episode of Mad Men. And I can relate almost anything to my IF!

    I know in the end it doesn't matter who's problem it is, because it's always OUR problem, because WE want kids together!

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  2. Happy ICLW!

    I love this post considering I always end up blaming myself. My husband is constantly telling me its no ones fault and I really need to get into that mindset.

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  3. I saw that episode, I nearly crawled out of my skin when he did that. I was thinking "what would I do if DH did that to me" I think I would have probably walked right out the door. Luckily hubby and I are not blaming each other either. As far as my R.E. is concerned we have Male Factor, but to me its just US trying to have a baby and WE need to do whatever we can. I have never ever even thought about blaming him, I blame lots of things, but never him!

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  4. I saw this episode too, and while mr. duck has never ever blamed me, I blamed me (after all my ute is a dud) and mr, is well one of those super sperm men. The doc high fived him after looking at the sample (and I wanted to die).
    What is unique is that I usually see WOMEN blaming men when it is male factor (on boards and they are just so quick to go to donor sperm). Anyhow, i always find it upsetting when any member of the team blames another, but, better to get those feelings out and aired then carry them inside.

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  5. Thanks for commenting on my blog. Your post has me cracking up. I'm really sorry about the bombshell that got dropped on you and I hope you are able to get your adoption approved.

    ICLW

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  6. Let's be honest here. The only thing between you and perfection is a crappy uterus. If you are willing to overlook my huge laundry list of flaws - I am willing to give you a pass on this one. Love you babe

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  7. We both have problems. I have never felt guilty for my down falls. Who needs that with all the other crap we have to deal with.

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  8. I totally agree - the blame game is a hurtful, dangerous path. Because there is no one to blame. And if you start pointing fingers, it can wear down a relationship.

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  9. The blame game is a dangerous path to walk down but I've done it and still do it. I've had 7 miscarriages, not DH, I was given the bundle of cells to grow and failed miserably at it.

    I'm glad to read that the blame game has bypassed you.

    ICLW
    Rach
    www.thegalwho.wordpress.com

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  10. We both have problems and we both blame ourselves - I don't think either of us has dared to venture blaming each other.

    I have the Mad Men DVDs but I haven't watched them yet (we're working through Glee right now).

    ICLW
    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  11. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Alena

    http://ovarianpain.net

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