Wednesday, February 16, 2011

You tried what?

Check out this piece that ran on cafemom.com - it's 10 bizarre ways to try to get pregnant, submitted by yours truly.

Ever tried any of these crazy methods? Chime in, please.

1. The gravity method: Putting your rear end up on a pillow, putting your legs over your head, or standing on your head post-coitus.

2. Invoking your fertility god of choice: Lots of options here ranging from St. Gerard, the Catholic Patron Saint of Motherhood (not sure why it’s a man), to Kokopelli, the Native American fertility deity, to Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of fertility, to Aditi, the Hindu goddess of fertility.

3. Feng shui: Putting a ceramic elephant on either side of the bedroom door; another suggestion is to place dragon statues in the bedroom next to the man’s side of the bed so that some oomph is added to his sperm.

4. Spoonful of syrup: Downing a teaspoon of cough syrup every day for a week before ovulation thins out cervical mucus and makes it easier for the sperm to swim their way to the egg.

5. Sipping sludge: Drinking one teaspoon of 100 percent Grade B maple syrup (Aunt Jemima’s apparently isn’t good enough) and one teaspoon of 100 percent cocoa powder mixed in a cup of coffee first thing after waking ... for two to three months (at least according to the woman who worked at the health food store. And yes, it tastes like the bottom of the Mississippi River).

6. The use of technology: HormonalForecaster.com, which claims it “uses unique algorithms and patent pending technology to shade fertility charts to predict ovulation and indicate fertility.” Other software programs include Cycle Watch and Ovulation-Predict, but there are dozens of them.

7. Counting on crystals: For the earth goddesses among us, placing crystals like rose quartz, moss agate, carnelian, garnet, and smoky quartz on your uterus, ovaries, thighs, and the center of your pubic bone is said to enhance fertility.

8. Hungarian mineral baths: In Budapest, there are healing mineral waters flowing underground. They are said to soothe arthritis and even help fertility. I tried that bad boy out -- just had to stomach a bunch of hairy women (myself included), a rotten-egg sulfuric smell, and lukewarm, yellowish water.

9. Steaming the hooha method: Chai-yok, or a vaginal steam bath. Fourteen different herbs are seeped like tea, and the daring woman sits on a stool with an opening so that the steam can penetrate the gynecologic regions and increase fertility.

10. Traditional Chinese medicine: A TCM specialist swears by taking Wu Ling Zhi, which is the fecal matter of a flying squirrel; yes, popping pills of flying squirrel poo!

8 comments:

  1. I am definately guilty of number 1.. I like to combine it with bicycle movements to multi-task and exercise at the same time!

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  2. 1, 2, 4, 6, and 10. Also add using a speculum and syringe to put semen just outside the cervix

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  3. Oh - steaming the hooha! I thought that was wild until I read #10. Squirrel poop poo. MMMMM yeah.

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  4. Guilty of 1, 4, 6, and 10. LOL!

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  5. Haha! It doesn't seem as funny when you're doing it but looking back...

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  6. 1,2,4 & 6. I shudder to think of how many bottles of cough syrup I guzzled while ttc. :p

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  7. 1, 4, 6, omg to steaming the va-jay-jay, no thanks

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