Sunday, May 16, 2010

Words from Jack

Hey everyone - Jack Bauer here. I have read my lovely wife's blog and I have come to the conclusion that most of the readers on this are women. Even though
this condition seems to affect the woman more than the man, I wanted to
give you some insights into what the man is thinking on this journey
called infertility:

1. We still love you. Most men that I know didn't look at a woman's
hips when they first met to judge her baby making potential. We love you the
person, not you the baby factory. Please remember that fact. Insecurity
is an ugly emotion and if you start acting that way it will actually
exasperate the problem. Remember, this is what the priest, minister,
rabbi, Krishna was talking about when he/she said in good times or in
bad. Some men can't get past this - but if they blame you for something that
you have no control over - is that the sort of character you want your kid's
dad to have anyway?

2. We don't understand mood swings. I know that many of us have dealt
with crazy emotions when you have gone through your period, but I will
be honest, we are completely unprepared for this new level of craziness
that results from hormone shots as well as the general anxiety about
pregnancy. Please understand that we are trying to do the best we can and we are
sorry we got the smooth peanut butter when you specifically said chunky.

3. We wish it was our fault. There were so many times that I wished
that my boys were slow swimmers or couldn't stop for directions. The worst
times in our journey have been when I have seen the pain in her eyes
when she felt that she let me down. She didn't. Her body did. I wish I
could take the guilt from her and put it on me. Hell, 39 years of Catholicism
and a passive aggressive mother? I am immune to guilt :)

4. We still love you.

5. Men want to fix things. We feel so incredibly powerless in this
situation and it drives us crazy. Especially if you man is like me in
that I never want my wife to be unhappy and want to do everything in my power
to prevent that from happening. It kills me that I can't fix this and make
her happy.

6. Some men love to be involved in the most intimate details of your pH
levels, mucosity flows and the timing of your period. Some men (like
me) do not. Much as your eyes glaze over when we tell you about our great
trade in fantasy football, some of us are unable to muster the interest.
Please understand that this does not mean we aren't interested or don't
care - we just don't think at that level of detail

7. We hate your friends who constantly talk about their kids, too

8. It hurts us too. I will be honest, in the 5 years (wow - has it
been that long?), I have had exactly one person in our circle of friends and
family who has asked me how I was doing. My dear sweet mother in law
listened to me for 2 hours bearing my soul in the most raw and emotional
rant I have ever had. We constantly want to be strong for you. We want
to hold you tight and tell you that everything will be all right. We are
men- that is what we do. But every now and again, we just want a little
knowledge and empathy that there are two people in this situation and
even though we don't show it - there is pain in the inside.

9. We still love you and we always will.

Anyway - that is it for me. I have wasted a precious 7 minutes writing
this when I really should have been interrogating somebody with a ball
point pen. There may be a nuclear explosion somewhere, but I thought it
was important to let you all know this as well.

Bauer out!


  1. Jack Bauer, Lu is a very lucky lady. Thank you for sharing :)

  2. Thank you for taking the time to share a man's point of view!!

  3. Wow, Jack Bauer, I think you've said a lot that infertile women needed to hear from men. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  4. Wow Lu what a husband you have. I read this post to my husband. He said, "Well her husband hit it on the nail. He said everything we are thinking but don't say." Great post. Thank you.

  5. Thank you Jack for sharing from the guy's perspective.