All of the crap without the benefit

I've often puffed my chest out and bragged about how my boobs still look great at 38 years and how it will take me much longer to have a leaky bladder than my fortunate fertile friends. If I'm not going to be able to get pregnant, then I want to reap the rewards of not having hemorrhoids or stretch marks across my abdomen.

However, I currently have two "symptoms" of pregnancy that I would rather not.

First, even though I have a large pair of birthing hips and sizable thighs (which I argue help me run half-marathons. Anyway...), I have always had a rockin' flat stomach. No six-pack, but no flab, either. Except that right now, there is what appears to be a three- to four-month pregnant belly - and no, there is not a bun in this oven. It's fat.

I guess I can blame the stress of our adoption on it and the fact that I can justify eating ice cream or making some break and bake cookies because we got bad news. I weighed less in China because I couldn't get all of the wonderfully processed food of the good ol' USA, but now that I'm back - I can go back to binging on Oreos and cheese-flavored popcorn.

So, I will be doing a major overhaul to my eating and trying to find a new way to deal with my tension (and I do workout, so maybe I now need two-a-days). And, I will start doing sit-ups like there's no tomorrow.

The second lovely physical issue is that my right arm has been falling asleep and going numb while I sleep. It's quite painful and a little scary. I talked to a massage therapist about it and she confirmed that I had quite a bit of tension in an area that would impact this. She also said that it's something that happens to pregnant women a lot because of the way they carry their weight and slump their shoulders more forward than normal.

So, there you go. All of the crap without the benefit. Wasn't there a beer commercial with some similar tag line: All of the taste and none of the guilt?

Of course, I'd be happy to have both of these symptoms and many more like morning sickness, swollen feet, and dirt cravings if I could get pregnant.

All I want for Christmas is fertility

In the spirit of the holidays, I bring to you one more take off a popular Christmas song infertility-style. This is the last one, I promise.

All I want for Christmas
is my fer-til-i-ty,
my fer-til-i-ty,
where's my pro-gen-y?

Gee, if I could only
have my fer-til-i-ty,
then I could conceive
and no longer be childless.

I've never, ever been able to say,
"Two blue lines on a home pregnancy test!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only get a 'yes'!

All I want for Christmas
is my fer-til-i-ty,
my fer-til-i-ty,
where's my pro-gen-y?

Gee, if I could only
have my fer-til-i-ty,
then I could say,
"The IVF was a success!"

OK, so lyric-writer, I'm not, but in my attempts to find the lighter side of infertility, I had to give it another go.

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday and may visions of embryos dance in your heads.

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming... THE INADEQUATE CONCEPTION is now available!

I haven't been able to experience the birth of my own child, but today, I got to feel what it's like to birth a book. Pretty cool, that's what it's like!

The book tries to find a lighter side to infertility and trying to conceive. I wrote this deeply personal look at our lives (and stories from other hopeful moms- and dads-to-be) while trying to get pregnant in order to help other infertiles understand that they're not alone, and to help them see a different side to the heartache and pain.

It's a bit of a girlfriends guide to pre-pregnancy -- with an edge.

Feel free to give it a read and let me know what you think!

Chai-yok: Is that a joke?

Always wanting to give you the very latest news for infertiles, I just happened upon a new Eastern medicine treatment that claims to aid in fertility. It's a Korean-based treatment called a chai-yok, or a vaginal steam bath, and they're now available at a few select spas on the West Coast. I read about it in the LA Times.

Fourteen different herbs are seeped like tea, and the daring woman sits on a stool with an opening so that the steam can penetrate the gynecologic regions. The method is said to improve mentral craps and other female issues, including surging fertility.

The article references one 45-year old woman who tried to conceive for 3 years, used this method and got pregnant. With stats like that, I'd be willing to give my unmentionables a steam. But wait, does it burn? The last thing any of us infertiles need is a scalded vagina. I mean sure, we're used to ultrasound wands, poking and prodding and feet in stirrups, so surely straddling a hollowed out stool couldn't be too bad. I just hope that they sterilize the stools within an inch of their life before I hop on board.

Anyone else think they'd be willing to give this a try?

Twelve Days of an Infertile Christmas reprise

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Wishes for a pregnancy

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Two embryos
and wishes for a pregnancy

On the third day of Christmas,my true love gave to me:
Three Follistem pens,
two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Four falling eggs,
three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy..

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta),
four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Six ultrasounds a poking,
five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...


On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Seven (million) sperm a swimming,
six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Eight nervous breakdowns,
seven (million) sperm a swimming, six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Nine blood draws a lancing,
eight nervous breakdowns, seven (million) sperm a swimming, six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Ten (thousand) dollars a leaving,
Nine blood draws a lancing, eight nervous breakdowns, seven (million) sperm a swimming, six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Eleven cycles failing,
ten (thousand dollars) a leaving, nine blood draws a lancing, eight nervous breakdowns, seven (million) sperm a swimming, six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve days ovulating,
eleven cycles failing, ten (thousand dollars) a leaving, nine blood draws a lancing, eight nervous breakdowns, seven (million) sperm a swimming, six ultrasounds a poking, five telephone rings (with news of a strong Beta), four falling eggs, three follistim pens, two embryos and wishes for a pregnancy...

A different version of the two week wait

It used to be that the two week wait involved obsessing over every ache and pain in my abdomen, stressing over going to the bathroom and the possibility of seeing a red dot on a piece of toilet paper and doing everything humanly possible to stay busy and not be completely preoccupied by the thought that I might be pregnant...or not.

I would literally count down the fortnight by the hours, which made it take that much longer. It was a sucky limbo period of not knowing if you should start thinking about baby names in case of a positive result or playing drinking games in case of a single blue line. I wished I could just sleep the two weeks away and wake up just in time for a blood draw for my beta.

I have a new version of the two week wait right now. I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of the first printed copy of The Inadequate Conception. My day is up tomorrow and I should have it in my hot little hands when I get home from work. Instead of going to the see my plebotomist, I will be waiting for the UPS guy to make a very special drop off.

And instead of having a sense of dread waiting for the inevitable phone call with bad news, for the first time, my two week wait should have a happy ending. Maybe not the ending I originally hoped for, but a good place, nonetheless.

Hopefully everything looks OK because if so, the book will be available next week!

What we infertiles aren't missing

I may never be pregnant, but that also means that I will never have any incredibly creepy and embarrassing photos of my naked big belly that someone could black mail me with.

Click here to see this ingenius post from the Pregnant Chicken. Even though I try to remain pregnancy-free on my Web site. This is too good not to share.

The Fallout (note that there is now Part 2 on here from hubby)

As some of you know, I was featured in an article a few weeks ago about Surviving the Holidays as an Infertile. It was first posted on AOL's Parentdish site and then it debuted on AOL's home page. I had no idea of the firestorm heading my way.

More than 300 people commented on the piece, most of whom, said words of support and empathy, telling their own infertility horror stories. However, there were also some who felt that I was selfish for wanting my own child and not wanting to see pics of my friends' kids on Christmas cards (which I meant in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, unfortunately it didn't translate well in print), and that I should adopt (which is mentioned in the piece, but clearly people didn't read that far into the article and made hasty accusations).

I honestly couldn't believe how many people were downright cruel in their commentaries. God love my boss's daughter who wrote a beautiful retort to their slams, and my best friend, who commented no less than six times in my defense (and that of other infertiles who feel similarly).

It just goes to show that unless you've been in our shoes, or doctor's stirrups, as the case may be, please, please, please don't judge us.

I'm also guessing that most of the Negative Nellies are also proud mamas who never had to struggle to get pregnant.

I've said time and time again that a person's choice to become a parent, no matter how that blessed event occurs, is a personal decision, and unless you're Octomom, people should refrain from judging and pushing their own views. I'm all for Freedom of Speech and being able to voice your opinions, but when you're castigating someone you don't know (and infertile couples, in general) for simply wanting a child, you've crossed a line.

Stay tough, trying mommies! I know I am!

PART 2

Hey everyone - Jack Bauer here.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks with Lu being picked up by AOL
and now by Cafe Mom on her postings about not getting Christmas Cards that
only have kids on them. I admit, some of the comments have made me a
little bit frustrated because people are making some big assumptions about
my wife and me on the basis of one posting. What it has reinforced, is my
belief in the prying and judgmental nature of some people. I guess as a
guy, you don't have to constantly listen to other men droning on endlessly
about their kids like women do. Or, when I get asked if I have children
and I say, no, most men won't ask follow up questions.

To be honest with you - even before we had these challenges of infertility,
I didn't like Christmas Cards with just the kids on them. I love my
friends and I enjoy their children - but my friendship is with the parents,
not the kids. I really want to see pictures of my friends and how they
have changed over the years. Want to include your kids? Great! But, our
relationship is with the adults, not the child. Family pictures are
wonderful and there is no painful feelings at seeing those pictures. But
what irks me is the people subsuming their identity to being "blah blah's
mom". I guess that is ok for some folks, but I just don't understand it.

The thing that just floored me is the amount of judgement that these people
were passing. People assuming that this is the focal point of our life,
people criticizing us for not adopting (hello, read the article and you
will see we are), and people criticizing us for pursuing an international
adoption.

I don't know folks, maybe it is just me, but I don't feel like I can judge
anyone to the extent that these people felt was within their right. Lu was
trying to provide an outlet for infertiles to realize that someone was on
their side and she gets attacked and called things like selfish, bitter and
a whiner. This is directed at the woman who volunteers to help kids and adults with special needs and could rattle off the names, ages and favorite colors of approximately 40 of her friends kids? Little secret - old Jack here could probably only remember about 3 of the kids
names :)

Going into this holiday season, I think the best thing that we could all
try to do is to be a little less judgmental of people and try to empathize
a little bit more with the challenges that each person has in life.
Happy Holidays to everyone.

Pre-pregnancy Prep: Don't Drink; Don't Smoke; What do you do?

Another small excerpt from the book today. When I was actively trying to get pregnant (and not like today which is just minus birth control), I used to watch what I'd drink and eat and some other common pre-pregnancy practices. Of course, I went from not drinking coffee to three years (or any other caffeinated drink) to now imbibing with wild abandon.

Today we prepare our hopeful houses for a baby months in advance, reading books like A Healthy Body, Healthy Pregnancy, and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. There’s a whole regimen that includes exercising to increase blood flow (it helps with your sex drive, too); taking prenatal vitamins; trying to drop one dress size (since we’ll happily be gaining it back within a few months); cutting back on or cutting out alcohol, caffeine, and sweets; and doing yoga to de-stress our minds and bodies. And heaven knows you should not, under any circumstances, clean out the litter box! Times have changed. Just a generation ago, moms-to-be were warned not to smoke or drink during pregnancy, but the list of foods to avoid and other preparation tips were pretty much nonexistent. Basically, it was just get off of birth control and go for it.

Whether or not you’re on fertility treatments, prenatal vitamins are one of the requirements for pregnancy prep. I’m no math genius, but I figured out that I’ve been taking one prenatal vitamin every day for more than 1,600 days straight. So, along with all of the costly fertility treatments, I’ve also had to get haircuts more often because the vitamins make my hair and nails grow even faster than normal. I have also become quite the connoisseur of prenatal vitamins, testing out several different types and brands. I know which ones make my stomach hurt, which ones give me a little energy boost, and which ones have the highest levels of folate and calcium. I liked the whole food vitamins the best—they are easy on the stomach, no burping or weird metallic/earthy aftertaste, and they’re made from real food, not synthetically built from chemical compounds (more than you ever wanted to know about prenatal vitamins, right?).

When I first started trying to get pregnant, I decided to do the “no alcohol, no caffeine” thing. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I didn’t even drink that much alcohol or caffeine to begin with, but if I was going to commit my body to housing a baby for nine months, I was going all in. Taking it one step further, any time after my ovulation days, I wouldn’t eat Brie or goat cheese, or sushi; I also made sure my cold cut sandwiches were heated and watched how much tuna I ate. I cut back on my exercise and didn’t lift anything more than ten pounds.

Then a couple weeks later, inevitably, my period would start and so would a week of binging like there was no tomorrow. My husband would take me out for Mexican food to give me an excuse to drink a margarita, or I’d go out for sushi and drink Diet Cokes only to abstain again within ten days, just in case the sperm were to meet the egg.

One of my dearest friends had the vice of drinking a sixty-four ounce bucket of Diet Mountain Dew every morning. I remember the day she came to work without one, and I wondered good grief, did she inhale all of it on the twenty minute ride to work? No, she and her husband decided it was time to start trying for a baby bump, and her doctor wanted her to cut out the gallons of caffeine and sugar substitute she was consuming each week. It was like watching an alcoholic go through detox. She had horrid headaches until a week or so later her body finally adjusted to going without her morning crutch. And, I made sure to avoid her until noon while she was going through the transition to a caffeine-free life.

Any other prep activies that you did, only for it not to matter?