OK, so maybe I am exaggerating just a little bit, but that's how I'm feeling these days. We started the adoption process five years ago while simultaneously going through IVF treatments. We wanted both an adopted baby and bio baby.
Well, the bio baby didn't work out, and even though we had some grieving over that, we moved on and were OK.
On July 15, 2008 we found out that we were matched with our precious 7-month old boy from Vietnam. It was one of the happiest days of our life. We were supposed to travel to get him the following January - so about 6 months later. It has now been almost two years, and we still don't know when we will be able to go get him.
A lot of waiting adoptive parents say that they have "paper pregnancies" and I never really felt like that until recently. Patience is not one of my stronger virtues, so I am being tested beyond belief right now. And, I do feel "pregnant." I am feeling like I am in a nesting mode waiting for our son to come home, but I can't do much about it because I am too superstitious to buy him clothes or toys or decorate his room. Therefore, I have a lot of nervous energy and no place for it to go, at least until I am back in the states. Today, I tried running it all out, but my hips started hurting after 63 minutes on the treadmil.
I totally feel for any parents who have to wait longer than the requisite nine months for their child. And, especially for the adoptive families and the waiting children -- it's just not right and makes me question subjects that are bigger than I am.
By now, I could've had two and a half babies, if I were truly pregnant. But, I just want the one darling two-and-a-half year old who makes my heart stop when I see pictures of him and his big brown eyes.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Enough with the postings about your kids!
At the risk of sounding like a bitter non-mom, I am going to go on a rant anyway. I have mentioned my frustations with FaceBookers who are pregnant and detail every little milestone and ache and pain. Every once in a while, it's OK, but when it's every day and that's the only thing that they post about, that's when I call issue.
My latest complaint is the moms who make every post about their kids. And, I mean EVERY post. If you look, they are out there, and it drives me nuts.
As I've said before, if you're kid stuffs a pickle up his nose or says something funny, I'm all for hearing about it, but if I have to hear about one more pre-K gradution, trip to the zoo, or birthday party, I am going to lose it.
OK, all for now. Thanks, I feel better now.
My latest complaint is the moms who make every post about their kids. And, I mean EVERY post. If you look, they are out there, and it drives me nuts.
As I've said before, if you're kid stuffs a pickle up his nose or says something funny, I'm all for hearing about it, but if I have to hear about one more pre-K gradution, trip to the zoo, or birthday party, I am going to lose it.
OK, all for now. Thanks, I feel better now.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I hate math
I hate math. I was an English and Asian Studies major. Perhaps that's why these numbers bother me so much:
37 years of age
12.5 years of marriage
6 years trying to conceive
73 cycles trying to conceive
611 pre-natal vitamins
55 ovulation detection tests
16 pregnancy tests
33 blood draws and ultrasounds
Tens of thousands of dollars (I’m too scared about the actual number that I won’t disclose it)
3 ovulation induction cycles
66 fertility drug injections
22 eggs
3 IVF transfers
10 embryos
0 pregnancies
1 embryo transfer to an amazing gestational carrier
16 times fingerprinted
1 30-month old boy waiting for his parents in Vietnam
124 pages of adoption dossier
709 days waiting for matched baby in Vietnam
Scores of family and friends who give constant love support and love
500 (at least) incidents of hilarity and humor from dealing with infertility
1 awesome husband, without whom I would have gone crazy
That just about sums it up.
37 years of age
12.5 years of marriage
6 years trying to conceive
73 cycles trying to conceive
611 pre-natal vitamins
55 ovulation detection tests
16 pregnancy tests
33 blood draws and ultrasounds
Tens of thousands of dollars (I’m too scared about the actual number that I won’t disclose it)
3 ovulation induction cycles
66 fertility drug injections
22 eggs
3 IVF transfers
10 embryos
0 pregnancies
1 embryo transfer to an amazing gestational carrier
16 times fingerprinted
1 30-month old boy waiting for his parents in Vietnam
124 pages of adoption dossier
709 days waiting for matched baby in Vietnam
Scores of family and friends who give constant love support and love
500 (at least) incidents of hilarity and humor from dealing with infertility
1 awesome husband, without whom I would have gone crazy
That just about sums it up.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Infertility as a excuse for attempted murder
Have you guys heard about this one? A former TV chef (though I've never hear of him, of course, I am far from what one would call a cook), tried to pay a couple of homeless men to off his wife. He said she was so distraught over the fact that she couldn't get pregnant that she wanted to die. And, I guess he was wiling to pay some guys $1,000 to help her do so.
Besides the fact that this is disturbing and creepy on multiple levels...
Really? Using infertility as part of your non-guilty plea. I'm also not an attorney, but you just blew any hope of having a infertile on your jury acquitting you, pal. And, in the face of the other 6 million infertile women out there, you are guilty in our court of public opinion, too.
There are many things that I've wanted to do as a result of not being able to conceive, but none of them are illegal and most of them involve a tub of ice cream and some retail therapy.
I haven't heard the other side of this story yet, but will have to do some research and report back. I wonder what the woman is saying right now, and hope she kicks him to the curb.
Besides the fact that this is disturbing and creepy on multiple levels...
Really? Using infertility as part of your non-guilty plea. I'm also not an attorney, but you just blew any hope of having a infertile on your jury acquitting you, pal. And, in the face of the other 6 million infertile women out there, you are guilty in our court of public opinion, too.
There are many things that I've wanted to do as a result of not being able to conceive, but none of them are illegal and most of them involve a tub of ice cream and some retail therapy.
I haven't heard the other side of this story yet, but will have to do some research and report back. I wonder what the woman is saying right now, and hope she kicks him to the curb.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Words from Jack
Hey everyone - Jack Bauer here. I have read my lovely wife's blog and I have come to the conclusion that most of the readers on this are women. Even though
this condition seems to affect the woman more than the man, I wanted to
give you some insights into what the man is thinking on this journey
called infertility:
1. We still love you. Most men that I know didn't look at a woman's
hips when they first met to judge her baby making potential. We love you the
person, not you the baby factory. Please remember that fact. Insecurity
is an ugly emotion and if you start acting that way it will actually
exasperate the problem. Remember, this is what the priest, minister,
rabbi, Krishna was talking about when he/she said in good times or in
bad. Some men can't get past this - but if they blame you for something that
you have no control over - is that the sort of character you want your kid's
dad to have anyway?
2. We don't understand mood swings. I know that many of us have dealt
with crazy emotions when you have gone through your period, but I will
be honest, we are completely unprepared for this new level of craziness
that results from hormone shots as well as the general anxiety about
pregnancy. Please understand that we are trying to do the best we can and we are
sorry we got the smooth peanut butter when you specifically said chunky.
3. We wish it was our fault. There were so many times that I wished
that my boys were slow swimmers or couldn't stop for directions. The worst
times in our journey have been when I have seen the pain in her eyes
when she felt that she let me down. She didn't. Her body did. I wish I
could take the guilt from her and put it on me. Hell, 39 years of Catholicism
and a passive aggressive mother? I am immune to guilt :)
4. We still love you.
5. Men want to fix things. We feel so incredibly powerless in this
situation and it drives us crazy. Especially if you man is like me in
that I never want my wife to be unhappy and want to do everything in my power
to prevent that from happening. It kills me that I can't fix this and make
her happy.
6. Some men love to be involved in the most intimate details of your pH
levels, mucosity flows and the timing of your period. Some men (like
me) do not. Much as your eyes glaze over when we tell you about our great
trade in fantasy football, some of us are unable to muster the interest.
Please understand that this does not mean we aren't interested or don't
care - we just don't think at that level of detail
7. We hate your friends who constantly talk about their kids, too
8. It hurts us too. I will be honest, in the 5 years (wow - has it
been that long?), I have had exactly one person in our circle of friends and
family who has asked me how I was doing. My dear sweet mother in law
listened to me for 2 hours bearing my soul in the most raw and emotional
rant I have ever had. We constantly want to be strong for you. We want
to hold you tight and tell you that everything will be all right. We are
men- that is what we do. But every now and again, we just want a little
knowledge and empathy that there are two people in this situation and
even though we don't show it - there is pain in the inside.
9. We still love you and we always will.
Anyway - that is it for me. I have wasted a precious 7 minutes writing
this when I really should have been interrogating somebody with a ball
point pen. There may be a nuclear explosion somewhere, but I thought it
was important to let you all know this as well.
Bauer out!
this condition seems to affect the woman more than the man, I wanted to
give you some insights into what the man is thinking on this journey
called infertility:
1. We still love you. Most men that I know didn't look at a woman's
hips when they first met to judge her baby making potential. We love you the
person, not you the baby factory. Please remember that fact. Insecurity
is an ugly emotion and if you start acting that way it will actually
exasperate the problem. Remember, this is what the priest, minister,
rabbi, Krishna was talking about when he/she said in good times or in
bad. Some men can't get past this - but if they blame you for something that
you have no control over - is that the sort of character you want your kid's
dad to have anyway?
2. We don't understand mood swings. I know that many of us have dealt
with crazy emotions when you have gone through your period, but I will
be honest, we are completely unprepared for this new level of craziness
that results from hormone shots as well as the general anxiety about
pregnancy. Please understand that we are trying to do the best we can and we are
sorry we got the smooth peanut butter when you specifically said chunky.
3. We wish it was our fault. There were so many times that I wished
that my boys were slow swimmers or couldn't stop for directions. The worst
times in our journey have been when I have seen the pain in her eyes
when she felt that she let me down. She didn't. Her body did. I wish I
could take the guilt from her and put it on me. Hell, 39 years of Catholicism
and a passive aggressive mother? I am immune to guilt :)
4. We still love you.
5. Men want to fix things. We feel so incredibly powerless in this
situation and it drives us crazy. Especially if you man is like me in
that I never want my wife to be unhappy and want to do everything in my power
to prevent that from happening. It kills me that I can't fix this and make
her happy.
6. Some men love to be involved in the most intimate details of your pH
levels, mucosity flows and the timing of your period. Some men (like
me) do not. Much as your eyes glaze over when we tell you about our great
trade in fantasy football, some of us are unable to muster the interest.
Please understand that this does not mean we aren't interested or don't
care - we just don't think at that level of detail
7. We hate your friends who constantly talk about their kids, too
8. It hurts us too. I will be honest, in the 5 years (wow - has it
been that long?), I have had exactly one person in our circle of friends and
family who has asked me how I was doing. My dear sweet mother in law
listened to me for 2 hours bearing my soul in the most raw and emotional
rant I have ever had. We constantly want to be strong for you. We want
to hold you tight and tell you that everything will be all right. We are
men- that is what we do. But every now and again, we just want a little
knowledge and empathy that there are two people in this situation and
even though we don't show it - there is pain in the inside.
9. We still love you and we always will.
Anyway - that is it for me. I have wasted a precious 7 minutes writing
this when I really should have been interrogating somebody with a ball
point pen. There may be a nuclear explosion somewhere, but I thought it
was important to let you all know this as well.
Bauer out!
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