It's like I've been pregnant for more than 2 years

A few weeks ago marked the two-year anniversary since we learned about our little boy in Vietnam. He was 7 months old when we first learned about him and saw the picture of him with his shock of black hair, and it was the second time in life I experienced love at first sight. He's now 31 months old (actually to the day today), and he's still not home with us.

I liken it to a 2-year gestational period, which is two months more than the mammal with the longest pregnancy - the elephant.

When parents go to help at the orphange, I get photos, videos and updates about how he's doing - just like I would if I was carrying him in my uterus and going to the doctor and getting ultrasounds.

I have felt the nesting urges, my mood is constantly having peaks and valleys and I am now have food cravings - mostly Twizzlers.

I am more than ready for my water to break and start the contractions. Maybe I need to have sex, go for a walk, take some castor oil, or one of the other many labor-inducing tricks.

Grrrrr...

I try to keep my blog as light-hearted and funny as possible, but today that's not going to happen -- I need to vent. I'm sure I am hypersensitive right now because our adoption is not going well, at all, and I'm full of stress and raw nerves. Two separate incidents just about sent me over the edge. I'm close enough as it is.

Running is one of my favorite free stress relievers. I love pounding the trails and the pavement - even if I do nothing else during the day, at least I ran. So, I went out this morning for a 5-mile run to get rid of some of my nervous energy. Running worked wonders when I was hopped up on fertility drugs - helped my tension and my weight gain.

A lotta good that did... I was running on the sidewalk ready to cross the street - the WALK sign lit up, when a woman in a beat-up car, who was not paying any attention, talking on the phone, almost ran over me. What really set me off is that she had a toddler in the back seat and he wasn't strapped in properly. I'm going to be very judgemental here, but she didn't appear to be someone that should have a child.

The second incident was at Starbucks. I was sitting peacefully at a table doing some work while sipping a iced green tea latte, when two women at the table about 2 feet away started talking about childbirth. Apparently one of them had a baby 8 weeks ago and brought her friend pictures. I must've heard her friend say "what a beautiful baby" three dozen times in 30 minutes. Then I got to hear about how she was so tired because the baby wasn't on a schedule yet and how big her c-section scare is.

I really wanted to turn to them and make a snarky comment, but I restrained myself.

I had a Frosty for dinner, so now I feel a little better.

What would I look like pregnant

I'm really not that much of a fashionista, but I am all for cute, summery shirts. And how appropriate for us infertiles that all the rage are the "maternity look" tops. You know, the flouncy little shirts that look like they could be hiding a bit of a belly.

I have a couple, but haven't worn any yet this summer, but yesterday, I pulled one off the hanger. It's a really cute top, but I really look prego in it. It is fitted snuggly across my chest and makes my A-cup boobs look bigger and then the empire-type waist flares out around my hips. It's super cute, but I totally look pregnant in it. All day, I wondered if people I passed in the hallway or rode the elevator with thought I was expecting.

I always wondered what I would look like pregnant, and this gave me a little bit of an idea, but this shirt would make me not more than 4-5 months pregnant. I wonder how much my butt would grow and how big my boobs would really get. I was never one to stuff my shirt with a pillow and pose in a mirror to get an idea.

Maybe we should all take a field trip to "Motherhood" and put on those fake prego bellies and try on pants with panels and oversized tops, though that would probably result in gallons of tears and running out of Kleenex.

Maybe a trip to get ice cream is a better idea, and that's one way to make our stomachs and rear ends grow.

I didn't know they made TV shows that were so bad

Have any of you seen the new TLC show "I didn't know I was pregnant"? Oh man is it bad - and truly unbelieveable. Are there that many unknown pregnancies that a TV show can be built on the concept? There are 7.2 million infertile women in the U.S., I think we have a much, much bigger market.

I watched it today purely as research for my blog and also to see what these fools were doing to get pregnant and not even know it. After all, maybe they ate only pinapple for a month or dipped their toes in mud or something and ended up knocked up without even knowing it. From the two episodes I watched (again, only as research), no such luck. Most of them forgot their birth control and were just so hyperfertile that the one time they forgot. One woman was on antibiotics while on birth control pills, and BOOM preggers!

The show itself is actually pretty comical. They intersperse interviews with the mothers, dads and medical professionasl with re-enactments done by actors. Totally, totally cheesy.

One woman already had three kids and then mysteriously gave birth in the bathroom at the restaurant where she worked. Really? You had no idea?

Another said she only gained 10 lbs and craved pickles for some reason, but otherwise had no clue.

My favorite part was a pregnancy-related quiz before each commercial break. One of the questions was: Pregnant women produce an excessive amount of gas. True or False. Really?!?! This is TV people want to watch?

I think a much more interesting and provacative show would be titled "I didn't know I couldn't get pregnant". They could show money being thrown down a drain, blood drawns and ultrasounds with an empty uterus, and the highlight would be the rampant mood swings and hormonal outbursts to husbands, pharmacists and employees. Now that's a show I'd Tivo.

Soothing the savage beast

I haven't had a very good week - it's all adoption related. More delays, more questions, more heartache. I take most of the adoption bad news much worse than I ever did when I get negative HPTs or betas because our adoption was pretty much supposed to be a done deal. And, all along, I have been realistic about my changes to get pregnant.

With all of the frustration and sadness that I'm feeling right now, I harken back to my failed ovulation induction and IVF cycles that didn't work. The feeling of being tired all of the time, keeping my head down so that I don't have to say "hello" when passing someone in the hall in my office, weeping at radio commercials of a private school discussing their commitment to a child's imagination.

And, while I don't think my bad moods are particularly constructive, I do think it's good to get it all out.

However, I also think there is something to be said for indulging yourself and doing something fun to take your mind off of things. Food and alcohol quickly became some of my therapies of choice. My preference: Oreos and white wine (chardonnay). I didn't say I had the most sophisticated taste, but I will say that polishing off a sleeve of Oreos and half a bottle of wine would make me happy for that moment.

The other quick fix for me was retail therapy - buying something I wanted with no abandon. This was typically not a great idea because infertility treatments were always at last $3,000 and some were up to $14,000 a piece. So, the last thing I needed was a $250 purse. Again, it made me feel a little better.

One of my favorite and most constructive things that makes me feel better is horseback riding. Horses are truly therapy to me - grooming them, cleaning stalls, riding, the smell of alfalfa. I love it all and it makes me feel good for a long period of time.

One girl I know even bought a BMW in her fertility-induced haze to ease the pain.

So, infertiles, what do you do besides cry when you get a negative result? How do you soothe the beast? Skydive, watch a rocom? Let me know!