Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Jack Bauer Speaks

Hello all, Jack Bauer here. After reading the Factory’s last post, I wanted to chime in based upon her comment that men get all the fun in the quest to babydom.

Now admittedly, we are the weaker sex. I see what the Factory has gone through and I don’t know if I would be able to keep my spirits that high with the constant disappointments. And I can only imagine what those hormone shots do to you. Factory has never gone completely crazy. I admit that there have been times when I thought her kooky actions were because of hormones only to find out she hadn’t been on them for a week. I guess one of the benefits of having a wacky wife is that she you never know if the crazy response is the hormones or just her personality.

Anyway, when I was told what my role was in this whole experience, I realized that I got off pretty easy. Make a sample. Deposit said sample in cup – no worries.

I don’t know really what I expected when I was shown the room to do my business. Maybe some mood lighting? Maybe some Barry White or Luther Vandross in the background? I don’t know. But what I got was the sterile exam room that had a fake leather couch (pleather?) in there with a stack of magazines sitting next to the sink.

Not the most conducive environment for a man to get worked up. Like most guys – when I was 14, it seemed like erections would come every 1 – 2 hours, and of course, right before the teacher called you up to the blackboard to do a math equation. I wonder if my hatred of math stems from this? But there are many things that are harder at 35 than were when I was younger.

But anyway, calling an erection on command – not the easiest thing to do. Plus, as I started to think about this, I wondered how many other men had touched (one handed) those magazines or sat their bare behind on that nasty leather couch. Trust me, getting the erection is one thing – sometimes keeping it is another.

The other thing that went through my mind as I sat there pondering my role – how long should this take? Is this a 15 minute job, 30 minutes, an hour? I didn’t really know. All men have this basic desire to be seen as virile – but with this, I had no frame of reference to what good looks like. If I come out too early will the nurse raise one eyebrow at my fast performance? Or if I take too long will I get the (God forbid) knock on the door to ask if everything is OK?

In retrospect, it is a funny experience that I can laugh about now, but when it happened it was one of the most awkward things I have had to go through.


  1. Yes, one of those experiences that is funny in retrospect, but not so funny when it's happening. When my hubbie needed to produce a sample (to check how fast his little guys could swim), we had it done in a lab and not at the fertilty clinic. The only place to "produce" was the washroom. I tried to help him out... Real classy, let me tell you...

  2. I blogged about you guys, hope you don't mind! Love the blog... ;)

  3. Oh, here's the link - http://www.smated.com/2009/06/24/my-egg-your-nest/